Anyways...after a bit of thinking, I've decided that since this blog is kind of my own little corner of the internet, if you will, to share a bit of my life with y'all; why not start with the day that I started truly living. -The day I got saved.
I was raised in a Christian home and my family has always been as faithful to church as we could be. Of course, though, with my Daddy being the pastor, if we had church at all we were there. My family would also travel to other churches when they would have special meetings, as well. (and I've always loved it)
That being said, I've heard the Gospel message many, many times!
As a young child, I remember our church had a meeting and God moved in in a mighty way. I remember a few people got saved that night and I, just being little and not truly understanding much at all about God or salvation, went forward. I prayed and that was all. All it was was just a little prayer that I'd prayed; a false profession of salvation, but no possession of it.
After a while I began to realize that I lacked a true possession of salvation and I started to become afraid of dying and going to hell. I truly believe that the Lord was just starting to work on me a bit.
When I was about 11 years old our church had a revival meeting and I went forward again...this time because I was scared and I didn't want to be anymore. I prayed but I never felt any peace. I just figured, "Well, I prayed. That's it, right?" Instead of asking for help and telling someone how I was feeling I just got up and told everyone that I had gotten saved. I really regret doing that! I think I would've saved myself a lot of trouble if I had just asked for some help.
For quite a few years I held on to that false profession. I honestly don't even know how long, but for a long while (at least 2-3 years) God really convicted me, but I ignored all the crystal clear signs that God was showing me my lost and sinful state and instead tried to rationalize and convince myself in any way that I could that I was saved.
I'd tell myself things like:
- "Oh the devil is just making me doubt....I'm saved"
- "But I love God and I want to serve him. Saved people fell like that, right? ....yeah I'm saved then"
- "I feel bad when I do things I shouldn't do. Isn't that the rebuking of the Holy Spirit in my heart or something? ....yeah I'm saved."
And I'd ignore all the things God would show me:
- The devil wouldn't tell someone they weren't saved. He doesn't want people to worry about getting saved and serving the Lord, so he'd be stupid to tell someone they weren't. (Now I know some people might disagree with me on this and I'm more than happy to explain my thoughts on the subject, but that's a different post for a different day.)
- God doesn't chasten those who aren't His...and he had never chastened me. Sure I knew I was a sinner and I have a conscience, so I would feel bad when I did something wrong, but God would never speak to me through his word to teach me, help me to grow or show me something I was doing wrong and needed to get right with him. I would sometimes get so frustrated because I'd go to church and ask God to speak to me and show me something that maybe I needed to get right in my life and I never got anything. The only real conviction I ever felt had to do with my salvation.
- Any time I would share "my testimony" I'd always have to candy-coat things or change it up a little to make it sound real. I believe I did this more in attempts to convince myself than to convince other people.
- For pretty much the whole time God had been dealing with me I had absolutely no peace. I couldn't even walk into an empty room without wondering if the rapture had happened and I had gotten left behind.
- I could never honestly say that I knew 100% for sure that I was saved.
I struggled with this for years and constantly pushed God away.
All that time I never went to anyone for help.- Opening up and talking about my feelings has never been an easy thing for me. I find it very hard to do and it scares me to death! That was one of the main things that kept me from getting the help that I needed.
Finally, when I was 17, I came to my breaking point and for the very first time in my life I went to my parents and said one of the hardest phrases I've ever had to say:
"I need to talk to you."
After opening up and saying how I had been feeling out loud it was pretty obvious to me what I needed.
I was a lost sinner, without God, on my way to a devil's hell, and I needed to get saved and have the blood of Jesus applied to my heart and life.
After reading some scripture I prayed.....and nothing happened.
God had been dealing with me and drawing me to him for a long time, I knew I was a sinner and I was sorry for my sin and I believe the Gospel, but there was something hindering me from getting saved and I didn't know what.
I didn't understand what the problem was, but this time I wasn't going to push it aside. I was sick of fighting God and I didn't want to live a life without Him. I wanted to be truly saved and I wanted God to be the Lord of my life, so this time I asked for help
After a sleepless night of praying and asking God what was hindering things, and reading my Bible, God showed me what the problem was.
I wasn't having faith.- I wasn't trusting that He'd save me. I was relying too much on myself and how I felt. I needed to realize that salvation wasn't about me and that getting saved isn't all about having this amazing, supernatural feeling right after you pray. It's simply taking God at his Word. It's all about Him. He paid the debt for me and I just needed to trust him and accept what He's already done.
I struggled with that for a couple days until finally it was like the light bulb clicked on and God said, "Listen, I'm enough. Just trust me." and by the grace of God, September 13th, 2013 I asked Jesus into my heart and He saved me!
Now I can honestly say that I Know that I'm saved. My life has been so different since that night in my bedroom where Jesus found me. Now God speaks to me often, he teaches me and helps me grow, and he chastens me when I do the things I shouldn't. He hears me when I pray and He's always, always there!
I'm not perfect I'm just pardoned. God's not done working on me and he's got a long way to go!
I love my heavenly Father for who He is and everything he's done for me. I've failed him many times, but He's never, ever failed me!
Oh what a Saviour is mine!!
